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*grmph* Here I go again it seems, and now I feel really tired - some great food and then an even greater bed would be _really_ nice... But I guess I had better keep my eyes open for a few more minutes just to see if anything big and scary shows up...
But if nothing happens I will surely cast the spell "fix some great food and a magnificent sleeping bag" and make use of both!
[Waiting - more sleepy with every passing minute - and waiting, and waiting...]
I've had it for today - now I'll go to sleep and find out where the <expletives deleted> I have landed tomorrow... At the very least this seems to be an extremely peaceful region since nothing has stirred my sleep so far, so maybe this will be quite an uneventful clonecarnation...
[Casting the spell "forget about the great food and the magnificent sleeping bag and just drop dead [though figuratively, not literally] where you stand"...]
Hello, young and beautiful maiden! Pray tell me
your name and your occupation - I am Alodar the Apprentice (the 42nd zillion
clonecarnation of him, anyway), wizard of a thousand worlds!
A wizard, hmm, that is something new... My name is Bluffy, and I slay vampires for a living, even though the payment is lousy (in fact, I get paid nothing at all, so it is more of a vocation than an occupation)...
How quaint! [Err, wrong reference...] Quaint interesting, I mean... I do meet with vampires in several of my worlds as well, sometimes as foes, but if you can convert them to your side, they are quite useful... Though I have to admit that vampires and other undeads are just a minor part of the worlds I inhabit, so I have actually never met anyone specialized in vampire slaying before... Hey, I just got an idea - would you like to accompany me on the next trip? If we are lucky, you might be able to test your undead-slaying skills on a dark lord ... [quickly casting the spell 'convince young and beautiful maidens working as vampire slayers to team up with Alodar the umpteen-zillion-times- clonecarnated Apprentice to have the thrill of their lifetime' - as a minor clarification, be it said that said spell is considerably faster to cast than to spell out...]
Wow, wizard Alodar! That sounds really cool! Where do we go?!
Funny you should say that - since I had actually
planned to go to a world called just that, ie. WoW... Now just hold me
tightly, and I'll cast a teleport spell taking us both there... *POOF!*
Hey Allie, you old alligator, wake up! (OK, raise your consciousness from your deep meditation then, if that makes you feel more important...)
Arrghh, what the... <expletives deleted> Where did she go, and who the <more expletives deleted> are you?
Hehe, your drea... ahem, meditation... must have been quite... interesting! I am Tyranthraxus and if you ransack some of your clonecarnated memories you will recall that we have worked together quite a few times (though none of your clones has ever been able to pronounce my name correctly!) and now it is time again - we have a new tournament ahead of us!
OK, give me a few seconds to ransack my memories then [ransacking a
couple of memories in approximately 42 seconds] ...
Ahh, I see... No wonder I felt so tired (ehh, in need of deeper-than-deep
meditation) then; our last tournament battle was quite epic - those wizards
Shun the Sonar and Brag the Equaliser were *really* good! I think the pivotal
point was when they assaulted my capital and _almost_ succeeded - the losses
they eventually took in that battle damaged their economy too much... Now
where are we this time, Tyrannoplexus?
Yet another tournament, you old alligator - this time we are pitched against wizards Cozumel and Wonda and you'd better make sure you are fully awake (OK, OK, fully raised from your deep meditation) because they are quite fearsome opponents as well, so your brain cells (all two of them) need to be on full alert if we are going to emerge victors once again!
Don't worry, pal, I'll just rewire my other 42 zillion brain cells from trying to pronounce your name to be on red alert in combat mode again! Now, just tell me what you have found out about this world so far, and we'll take it from there...
Contact Alodar the Apprentice at rwikman@ra.abo.fi
Wonda's WhimsI remember the first time I met Wonda. Such a special lass. It was on an early spring day. The flowers were just blooming. She was barefoot, wearing a light red summer dress and straw hat. The image of a carefree maiden enjoying the warmth of the new season. It was the half month and Wonda was picking flowes in celebration. Newly opened Daisies I believe. She had woven some of them through her hat and was gathering the rest in a small picnic basket. Finally, she seemed satisfied with her collection and trounced back toward the town square. It was at that moment I knew she was destined for greatness. With great care she spread them over the logs at the base of the pyre. Pouring the sacred oil around the base, she was pure concentration, careful not to make any mistakes. Pausing for a moment of draman, she set the pyre ablaze. The watching crowd was filled with a mixture of fear and awe. Of course, I believe the man being burned alive was just filled with fear. Wonda was delighted. I knew she was special. She possessed a very rare combination of carefree frivolity wedded with a homicidal megalomania. Perfect for dominating worlds throughout the cosmos.
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Anyway, after this initial boredom. Drinks are served. For some mysterious reason, wine and ale, good or bad, seems to bring out the best in people. They abandom those restraints of so-called civilization and finally start to live. The diners greedily grab for the choicest meats, dogs fight for the scraps, the servants scream as they are poked and prodded. Insults are traded, duels fought, men and women die. These are moments to celebrate.
Sadly, this boisterous time comes to a close far too quickly. As the effects of the spirits wanes, the celebrants calm down. Many by the expedient path of passing out. Some come to regret their actions, a mystery to me. So what if you killed your brother, father, sister, best fried or whoever. Obviously, they were not fit to live since you succeeded. The sobbing and wailing are painful to hear. Soon enough, I can't stand it anymore and often just kill the lot of them.
Why discuss the joys and pains of a great feast? Conquering worlds is much like the event. That initial boredom of searching for enemies while the folks at home debate strategies and plans. Then the heady rush as battle is enjoined and no one knows who's body will lie upon the field in the morning. Then the painful aftermath of success when the defeated cry for mercy. Ugh.
Fortunately, Orcs make up for these faults with a nearly mindless obedience and an insatiable need for bloodletting. As a test, I asked a fat Orc and a thin Orc to jump off a cliff and see who landed first. I naturally assumed the fat Orc would plummet much faster. Much to my surprise, the think Orc struck the ground first. Mostly due to the fact that the fat Orc grabbed him and used him as a cushion on the way down. I was impressed by the creative attempt to avoid death and will almost miss the brave idiot. As a reward, I had a small temple erected around his remains where others can pause for a moment of contemplation.
The two Orcs were proof of both obedience and a satisfactory blood lust. They would have happily murdered each other and did try just that in their last moments. I believe, when the time comes, I will just say, "March that way and kill everything". No need for complicated instructions or sophisticated battle formations. Sometimes, I just enjoy the basics.
Wonda's Words of Wisdom
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Contact Wonda at braunj@.ecse.rpi.edu
Contact Wonda at braunj@rpi.edu
Blurb
Contact Cozumel at conejero@exp.uji.es
Contact Tyranthraxus at gor@passagen.se